The Things I Find Myself Saying at Work

"Gentlemen, please don't head butt during lunch. We are not mountain goats."

"Please do not stick your banana in your mouth and blow on it."

"No, you may not stick him in the garbage can."

"It's time for class. You can finish your sacrifice at second recess."

"Back in your chair. We can't do a worksheet while you're sitting on the desk."

"Before you go in, let me clean the footprint off of your back."

"Ladies, please keep your feet below your head while you're eating."

"Was it a good choice to throw your raisins at the girls?"

"Boys, let's not eat lunch under the tables. I need to be able to see your faces."

"Let's find a game that doesn't involve trying to smear goose poop on our friends."

"I know that you're playing family, but please don't actually push on his belly when he is having a baby. I don't want you to hurt him."