Camp is one of those strange times where no one ever quite knows what we're walking into - even if we think that we might have a pretty good idea. Middle school winter retreat was no exception to the rule.
"What do you mean by that?" one of the high school leaders questions me. We're tagging bags to go under the bus, and I've just mentioned that he has "my boys" in his cabin and he had better be good to them.
"I was their Sunday school teacher." We weave our way through bodies as he clarifies exactly which kids I am talking about, and we both know that, largely, the warning ought to be unnecessary.
These were my boys, yes. But, it has been months since they needed to sit next to me at Ignite or have more interaction than what it takes to play gaga ball or tag. They have other leaders now. But, their other leaders aren't here, and so I warn him, just in case.
Because, yes, I am just a wee bit protective.
And, because I don't want him think it odd when we get on the bus and they start trying to find a seat for me next to where they are. Because, they will, and they do, as if we only got off the bus from summer camp yesterday and they're ready to simply pick back up where we left off.
My bag ends up in a seat halfway between them and my girls, and the four hour ride ends up split, split between making bracelets in the back and making bracelets in the front, split between snacks in the back and snacks in the front, split between admiring rubber chickens and finger lights in the back and fart putty in the front.
Eventually, I settle into the front, and the boys give up on traversing the length of the bus, back and forth, in and out of arm's reach, just to make sure that they are not forgotten. We talk about camp and Sunday school and asking girls to dances. They dump the fart putty on my head and then apologize and pick it out carefully when they realize that it's stuck to my hair.
They talk about girls from school and who likes who - all with a kaleidoscope stuck to their eye, still more distracted by the colors and shapes than by the thought of girls.
Someone steals a notebook from someone else, and the only response is a, "Jessica!" as if it is somehow my job to get it back. I do, just like I wrap their wrists in bracelets that I've made and bracelets they've made themselves, and, by the time that we pull into camp, they check in one last time and run off to find their cabin.
And, I don't know what their cabin is like, but mine is full of girls and full of memories. Because, we were in this same cabin last summer, with almost this exact same group of girls. They laugh and talk and giggle and half way fill in the new ones on old jokes. We unpack and scarf some spaghetti and head to chapel.
Three leaders and eight girls means that they have no chance. One of us will be in their face during music, encouraging them to spin and jump and sing and scream, even when they don't think that they can.
Because, they can. Once they work through the watching and the sizing up and the analyzing, they are loud and silly and prone to throwing things at each other (candy and rubber chickens and anything else they can get their hands on, including - apparently - wads of deodorant).
Yep, the waking up process one morning, while we were in a leaders' meeting, included throwing scoops of gel deodorant. Don't be fooled by the chapel faces. They aren't as calm as they may appear.
But, it's also okay. It's okay to analyze everything the speaker says. It's okay to not understand all of the questions on the cabin time sheet. And, it's okay for our discussion to only last ten minutes and then devolve into coloring and decorating bandanas.
They're eleven and twelve and right at that age where words are starting to give way to emotions that they don't quite know what to do with. Right at that age where there is so much more going on inside than what we see on the outside.
So, when they jump in to fend off serious questions with ridiculous answers, we largely just roll our eyes and make an attempt at redirection. And, then, in the morning, we use our cabin time to hike through the snow in search of a "Noah stick" for the talent show, to play Catch Phrase in the dining hall, and to make more bracelets.
Always more bracelets.
And, then it's lunch, and it's free time, and they speak this language.
Because, this is climbing piles of snow and tubing and spending hours sitting in the snow trying to catch video of the most spectacular crashes. This is Jessica pushing one of the boys down the hill on his knees and talking about crashes over and over and over again until they feel like they have personally had the coolest wipe out in the history of all of camp.
This is snowball fights with the youth pastor and laughter and teasing and time spent simply together.
By the end of free time, the hill has been abandoned by most everyone else, and we have free reign, my girls and my boys and few extras that we picked up from other churches along the way. And, they would stay here forever if they could. They've been missing this.
They've missed being able to fall into old rhythms without having to be cool in a room full of a hundred other watching eyes, missed feeling like what we did revolved around them specifically. They've missed being "Jessica's kids" or "Rich's kids" or "Deanne's kids," missed belonging somewhere in specific, missed having the freedom to choose their own small group.
And, they're eating this up.
To these kids, raised on a diet of
donut fights and
tree climbing and
hiding out in bushes and behind chairs, hours of half frozen tubing is just as much church as anything that might happen in chapel or cabin time. Church is wherever they talk about Jesus and feel loved.
After hours of smacking their heads around on a tubing run, dodgeball in a blacked out gym, with strobe lights and glow sticks and projectiles that connect with your face before they show up in the dark...not so much how they feel loved.
We end up being that church, the one that pulls a quarter of their kids out of the game and lets them wait outside rather than continue to participate. (Cardinal camp rule being that everyone participates, always.)
But, we're okay with breaking the rule this time. Because, these are our kids with trauma backgrounds and migraines, anxiety and general I-flew-off-my-tube-and-landed-on-my-head-in-the-snow/ice headaches, and they need the chance to practice saying 'no' to things that aren't good for them. Why not practice now, when there are leaders here to back them up?
They can practice saying 'no,' and we can practice saying 'yes.'
Yes, we can go back up to the tubing hill until it's time for dinner. Yes, you can use the camera to record. Yes, I saw you. Yes, you can use my phone to take a picture of the river. Yes, you can give me beard for the talent show. Yes, I will watch you and tell you that you were awesome. Yes, I will teach you how to make a bracelet. Yes, you can borrow some gloves. Yes, I am right here. Yes, I am staying.
Yes, you can use my markers. Yes, you can sit by me during chapel. Yes, you can have my brownie. Yes, I will watch and make sure you start feeling better. Yes, you can borrow my pillow for the weekend. Yes, you can read off of my notes. Yes, I will work on your bracelet. Yes, I did see your awesome crash. Yes, you can watch the video again. Yes, you can decorate my journal. Yes, I will put it on Facebook.
Yes, you can.
Yes, I will.
And, eventually, they say 'yes' too. They say 'yes' to whatever they hear God asking from them this weekend, and they say 'yes' to trying to make it real, even after we get home.
Because, after a very long bus ride, we do make it home.
Sunday morning, we pack and vacate the cabin, eat breakfast, and sit down for one final chapel. The girls are packed in tightly on my left, listening and watching and analyzing as always. They're tired and sore. They've decorated a pair of jeans and eaten more sugar and carbs than they ought to have needed in a month.
When we ask them for a number, they rate the weekend as a 5 on a scale from one to ten.
The boys are packed in on my right, as tightly as they can fit. They're tired and they're sore and they tell me they 'don't feel so good.' They're drinking Orange Crush on top of the pancakes and syrup that I hope their counselors made them eat for breakfast, and their pockets are packed full of candy.
When I ask for a better or worse than summer camp, they give me a hesitant 'better.'
"Shorter at least?" I qualify, and they nod.
Chapel passes. We sing one last song, wait in the cabin a few minutes, and load the girls onto the bus. The boys are riding home in a separate van, and they edge closer to me, declaring that they are going to sneak in and hide behind a seat. I laugh and sass back at them, and they remember to smile a little, to pretend like they are joking.
And, eventually, we make it home.
We're barely breaking even between the good and the bad, the fun and the painful, the moments when they want to be at camp forever and the moments when decisions are being made for them that they hate.
Even is a whole lot better than where we stood at the end of the week this summer, but I'm not the only overprotective leader here, and even isn't good enough for any of us. Not when we're talking about our kids. I'm not sure how, but we're going to figure out how to make this better.
If we're asking the kids to come, we owe them that much.